*short fiction inspired by my ex co-worker and friend Kyle Roberts*
The day Robert Elyk got a 72 inches monitor falling on his head at his Futureshop warehouse job, things changed....a lot. To summarize and not write a heart-wrenching story you dont want to read, lets just say that Robert Elyk stopped being Robert Elyk. In the back of his mind, right where the monitor caved a little part of his skull, the beast awoke. Every piece of repressed desire, every person he wished to be, every piece of anger, sex appeal and motion mastery came from the far corners of the galaxy to channel into one being. Sifu Kevin McElfresh.
Tonight, Sifu was going to the bar. Why, would you say? Pretty simple, so simple, so pure, that only a master could have thought about it. Sifu Kevin McElfresh was going to dance, fight and fuck. In that order. And there was nothing you could do about it. If you got in his way tonight, two things could have happened. Or you were backing the fuck up, or you were getting fucked up. Thats how Sifu rolled. He didnt take shit from anyone. Not even Chuck Norris.
Strutting on the sidewalk, on his way to the club, Sifu Kevin opted for the comfy style. He knew shit was going to go down. He wore his beloved Kung Fu pants, a wife beater and a pair of crocs. This was his urban casual. Stevie, the bouncer was his student, so if he wanted to turn Sifu around...he knew he had to deal with the consequences...and they would be heavy...heavy like a crescent kick to the belly button. Sifu knew for sure that Stevie wanted none of that, so he was pretty confident on his way in.
The club was jam packed. It was strange for a Friday night, since it was only 10 PM. Sifu Kevin liked to be there early, so he could alpha male the dance floor. As Stevie made him no problem, he got stopped at the coat check:
What? A coat check? But its only February! He said to the lady working the locker rooms.
Before she could answer, he had a genius idea. He was used to it. These came to him ten times a day. He gave his wife beater to the coat check so he could expose his impressive musculature on the dance floor. That would sure get him laid. He thanked Ugly Betty, put the ticket in his underwear and stormed the dance floor , strutting and nodding, to his favorite song :Party All The Time , by Eddie Murphy and Rick James.
This was a kick ass start for the night. Sifu could feel the rythmn under his skin and the devil take over his body. Not that he couldnt kick Satans ass if he wanted, but this felt kinda good. Also, he was starting to score pussy. His girl-faint count was already up to two and he was only dancing for thirty seconds. Some were crying, some chugging beer to have courage to step on the floor with him and oppose his awesomeness. A day a the office for Kevin McElfresh.
Who was the first courageous girl to try her luck with our Sifu? Sexy Bonnie. Sifu had no clue of her name, but he figured out her name was Bonnie and that she was probably a nurse. No one else would have such perfect boobs and awesome rythm. She was almost as good of a dancer as he was. Defenetively a choice cut. Timid, she let her picture perfect body talk. It was like the squirrel dance of seduction. Sifu Kevin knew, because he studied it in Five Animals Kung Fu. He didnt knew, but she could land a deadly 720 spin kick to Kevins dome from her dancing stance. Sifu knew...and nothing else mattered. After a torrid Rythm Is A Dance, they fell in each others arm and she finally talked to him:
My name is Bonnie
I know, wanna fuck?
Hem....
I could keep you entertained all night long you know. Martial arts taught me how to climax for thirty minutes.
But I got...
Enough, baby, let the magic make its work.
As they started to kiss and Bonnie started to hear Kung Fu fighting(girls kissing Sifu were not hearing bells), Sifus Kung Fu sense tingled. Ninjas. They were here..and they were closing down on him. He had to find a way out...and take Bonnie with him...to get his fuck on. As he coldly glared across the dance floor, only two people were walking toward him. Bus boys. Sifu raised an eyebrow in admiration. Crafty disguise. But it would not save them from their dark destiny. Sifu swiftly turned around, forgetting he was even holding Bonnie. He was that swift. She couldnt help but crash to the floor. Kevin didnt minded, he would make her forget tonight with a whole bunch of papi kissy, daddy tingly...and maybe a Cleveland Steamer, if she was up for it. He sure was. The ninjas wasted no time and engaged conversation:
I am Isham Khalil, the first one said, with a womanly voice and a french accent
I am Alex Kane, said the other, with a deep voice, contradicting with his midgetness
We are going to kick your butt and be the kings of the city, they said in unison.
Sweet, Sifu answered, taking the crane stance. Ive never fought a choir before.
They circled around a little while studying each other, as people ran away in panick, fearing that they would be casualties. They were right, shit was going doing...and it was going to get ugly. Shit is never beautiful, but you know, figure of speach. Isham Khalil opened the hostilities with a cartwheel kick that Sifu dodged with ease. Alex Kane tried to use the momentum of Isham Khalils attack to try to score a kozak spinning kick. Big mistake. Sifu jumped and flying dropkicked him in the face. Blurting a loud Kung Fu kiai that would have made Bruce Lee proud. Sifu was going to town on these guys. Taking it to a whole new level.
Alex Kane rolled backward and tried to regroup himself as Sifu was busy with his partner in crime. Putting himself in front of Bonnie, he was decided that the ninjas and their pitiful techniques would have no part of her. She was HIS fuck. They would not steal his thunder. Not tonight. Sensing desperation, Isham Khalil whipped out a ninja starr and took the swann stance to insure more velocity to his throw. Deadly threat Sifu thought, but his reflexes were so quick, he grabbed a thumb lock on Isham Khalil, making his thumb forever unusable and palm struck him in the face, knocking him out cold. One less ninja fag to worry about.
For his Grand Finale, Kevin turned to Alex Kane and adopted the deere stance. Even if Alex Kane was a midget, he would not be shown mercy. Sifu charged with all his might and his will, yelling in an obscure chinese dialect. Close enough for the fatal blow, Sifu made a human spear of himself, connecting right to Alex Kanes jaw. His accuracy was legendary in his city. Alex Kane fell down, limp, beaten. Sifu was a little annoyed that Alex Kane was still breathing, but he had been a worthy opponent, so he let him his life and sent him back to training to he could rise to the challenge another time.
As Sifu strutted back to Bonnie, he woke her up from her fainted state with a thunderous kiss that made her faint and wake back up three times. When she woke up at last, he looked at her in the eyes, and before she could faint again he told her:
Hail to the king baby!
He knew the game was won for tonight...