A man named Arthur Schopenhauer once said : "The world is my representation". Sure thing the man is a runner up for the most depressed asshole in history of mankind, but he's right. Your life is what you make it to be. Objectively speaking, who am I? I'm a 27 years old IT Helpdesk Analyst with a useless degree and dellusions about being a writer. Sure I have some gigs, but I work for free, even to a my own cost sometimes (I review games for web sites, but I mostly pay them from my pocket). I will most likely never succeed unless I keep on hammering free work without asking questions. My couple is rocking out (I got that going for me), I have a baby boxer and hard time to save up money.
That hurts when you look at it. I'm not a superstar, I'm not an unsung genius and even if I was, everybody is concentrating so much on their inner superstar that I'd be dying poor and rancid like Franz Kafka. That said, I'm no genius, I'm the sum of every effort I will put into this blog, my novel and my journalistic duties. I just feel a little lonely in there. This week I had a second correction sheet for my master degree. My director told me there were mistakes and typos that shouldn't be there and that it was very irresponsible of me to have let that in. Never asked much from the lady, but when I submitted her my pitch I would've loved to hear more than a one liner saying "Yeah, submit I think it's OK". How responsible is that? She didn't even read the thing. Truth is, she is in it for herself and she takes students for funding purpose. If I can get my paper and get the hell out of there, it will be one weight less on my shoulders.
School's not important anyway. Not anymore. I'm disgusted with teaching and will not pursue that road, which makes my degree completely useless. What's important is to keep on making a living while working at my writing. That's not easy either. Everytime I've looked for advice I've been told that I can't talk english. Even got somebody to correct my typos (correct them incorrectly I must add. That person didn't talk English better than me).
This week I'm leaving by the Henry Rollins quote: "It'll destroy you if you try to make it mean anything to anyone but yourself." Now that I have played through (and had an horrible ending) to Heavy Rain, I have to get back on my novel. I will discuss it further in a subsequent journal entry, but it's something I believe in. Whether or not I feel I can write it is another story, but I have to try, as hard as I can. If I don't I'll keep stewing like this. Let's finish on other Henry Rollins words I try to live by. The ones I have yet to get tattooed on my left forearm so I can read them over and over again.
The initial inception must be pure. All energy must by put to use. The end must never leave your sight. Complete destruction must be had. You must maintain drive that goes beyond obsession,beyond purpose, beyond reason. Every movement must be in the forward direction. When in the woods, seek the clearing. The path shines to bright it's almost blinding.
