Now be honest, that would be a great movie title if Klaus Kinski would be starring in it. That has also been the story of my life for the last few weeks. It's important to have dreams, but it's also important to know what you are and to stop chasing the status that you will never have (that you might have never wanted).
I have been torturing mysel for a few weeks now, trying to tell me it's important to finish that goddamn paper for school. Truth is, I'm beyond that. I'm not over that, but I'm beyond. It's not a valuable option for me anymore. I will never take the road to Academia because I don't want to end up being an Idiot Genius. I might have flushed a lot of money, time and efforts on this. I will give it one last try, but if I get it or not, who gives a fuck? I'm not going there anyway.
Even if I would, these people that were on my jury will probably try and go out of their way to give me bad recommendation. I won't start to blame anyone about that, but I'm better than that text I wrote. I kept working at my craft since then, stayed smart about it and got a lot better. I just don't have the strenght or the interest to try to defend that useless waste of paper in front of these openly hostile people.
Art is great, literature is great, but academia is not. It's a way of life that can be chosen only by the people longing for that ghastly absolute that doesn't exist. They are not important, they are not smarter than the others. They are genuises of useless knowledge. For a long time I thought academia would shelter me from a world of idiots, but joke's on me, I choose the world.
I am not like them.
I am not like anyone.
I will have to work it out on my own.
