Yesterday, Josie and me had our little moment of cultural normality and watched the Oscars. During the ceremony, I kept telling myself I needed to blog about the overload of cramped up film people, trying not to make fool of themselves too hard as the whole world watched. A feature article would be too confusing and since I dig a Segments post yesterday, it wouldn't be much fun wouldn't it? Here's what I came up with, The Bennies, an all-web ceremony to reward those who fucked up and those who managed to keep their integrity in front of of a billion people. 12 statues only, because I don't want to keep you up too late like the real thing.
The Benny for outstanding achievement in "not shutting the fuck up": Aaron Sorkin, winner of best adapted screenplay for The Social Network. I was already a little startled because he won over True Grit, but this guy managed to go on and on about how great he was and how important The Social Network was. He even talked over the music that clued him to leave. Douche. (Red is going to kill me for this).
The Benny for outstanding achievement in "the cutest blunder of the night": Goes to Melissa Leo for saying "fucking" on the microphone. She was also nominated for the less flattering Benny...
The Benny for outstanding achievement in "self-medicating on a very important occasion": James Franco, for looking like he just swallowed a whole pot of Zoloft before the evening. He just stood around with his stupid smile, blurting the lines he learned by heart. Melissa Leo comes a close second for the twelve second blank stare that came right before she said "fuck".
The Benny for outstanding achievement in "flushing the last remnants of your credibility": Trent Reznor, for wearing a tuxedo and fitting in so well in general. Don't get me wrong, he deserved to win by far. If he wasn't there, the Academy would've rewarded Hans Zimmer's pompous ass score for Inception. It's a bit of fresh air. I just find it funny the guy who brought us the immortal track "Closer" (also the very first track I sung in Karaoke), wore a tuxedo and was as quiet as a pussycat. Trent should've taken fashion integrity lessons from Christian Bale, who rocked as usual.
The Benny for outstanding achievement in "having your ego broken into small pieces": Christopher Nolan. Inception won four (I think) statues, but none has anything whatsoever to do with him. His movie won two sound effects Oscars, one for special effects and one for cinematography. While his crew goes him with gold, his brilliant and visionary ass is thrown on the sidewalk. Hilarious.
The Benny for outstanding achievement in "having a punchface": James Franco. What was up with him? He kept smiling like an idiot, looking like he didn't give a shit about his job all night long.
The Benny for outstanding achievement for "being a superstar that looks genuinely nice": Javier Bardem. Check his award presentation again. Notice how he hides behind his co-presenter (Josh Brolin, I think), the way guys do when they crack at a porn joke. Lovely.
The Benny for outstanding achievement for being "pouted because you're too fucking cool": True Grit, who was nominated like ten times, but didn't win anything. The Coen brothers have won big with No Country For Old Men in 2007, but they deserved almost as much recognition for this one. It's not as good but it's still a very good movie and in my opinion it could've won the big prize, but the Academy doesn't like the winners. They have grown too dramatic for their own good.
The Benny for outstanding achievement for "ugliest dress of the evening": Cate Blanchett. Really. It looks like hybrid between a chainmail a jut bag, with embedded jewelry.
The Benny for achievement in "framing people that don't give a fuck": The camera crew for filming the Coen brothers picking each other's nose while Oprah Winfrey talked. Badass.
The Special Benny for outstanding achievement for "rocking the stage in general": Kirk Douglas. Do I need to say more? The man wears his 94 years with the pride and the grit of a youngster. I would have taken three hours of him hosting the show.
The Benny for outstanding achievement in "fucking up the whole evening": To the Academy. There was no clear winner this year, all the movies were good, but nothing stood out. A perfect occasion to change directions. But no, they rewarded the one of the weakest runner ups, proving again that you can format your work to please the Academy. I wouldn't have minded Black Swan, True Grit or even The Social Network but no. They had to fuck it up.
