Thoughts on the 86th Academy Awards

I've watched the Oscars last night. Most of it anyway. Every year I struggle with the idea of watching it, but I'm doing it anyway because the sheep inside me is stronger than I like to think it is. It's also kind of pertinent for this blog, since half  od what I talk about is movies. So I feel a strong sense of duty to watch the Oscars. I know, it's stupid, it's an exercise in meaninglessness and masochism, yadda, yadda, yadda. But every year I find something to like about them. Whether it's Seth MacFarlane's quirky hosting performance or picking up one or two movies suggestions, there is always something to get out of the Oscars.

Not last night. I don't like to be cynical about things, but last night was an exercise in mediocrity, meaninglessness, masochism and it made me cynical. Here are my collected thoughts about the 86th Academy Awards.

• Ellen DeGeneres was an OK host, I guess. She didn't stand out like Seth MacFarlane did last year, but she had her moments. Her skits involved the crowd in a way it never quite happened before. I did not get that pizza joke to save my life, but anybody else got a kick out of seeing Brad Pitt distributing paper plates?

• Jennifer Lawrence tripped over her dress AGAIN last night. Is it me or this wholesome, cuteness act is starting to look rehearsed? That or she needs to fire her tailor. Love her acting game, but she doesn't need to pull stunts like this to get my attention.

• Granted that Jared Leto looked a little silly rocking the Buddy Jesus look, I thought he delivered a sincere and moving acceptance speech. Single mothers aren't a sexy issue in America, yet he brought it up with honesty and dignity. I didn't mind him openly addressing his family on stage, I was only afraid to have him cut short by the production team. Still not going to see DALLAS BUYERS CLUB though. 

• As the night went forward, I started to believe GRAVITY would win the Oscar for best movie. The Academy tried really hard to convince me it was a major event in moviemaking. The first movie to ever treat 3D seriously and make it an integral part of its storytelling received a royal welcome at the Oscars. I avoided GRAVITY because I know it's going to give me an anxiety attack, but last night's ceremony gave me another reason to avoid it. Whatever the Academy likes too much, I tend to avoid.

• P!nk, my dear, what was that? Putting a dress that makes you look like a giant tomato and singing a meaningless song is so NOT you. Pointless covers of  ''Somewhere Over the Rainbow'' should be reserved for the industry poodles who don't write their own songs. If you're a P!nk fan like I am, last night was a difficult moment to live through. She looked bored and tired and resigned. Not the quirky, soulful storyteller we know and love.

• Speaking of which, Whoopi Goldberg's atrocious introductory speech foreshadowed P!nk's awful performance. She walked on stage dressed like a poetry teacher, she belted out five cents prose and walked off. What was that supposed to mean? She looked like she didn't even want to be there.

• I tapped out and went to bed when they brought Bette Midler in. The ''recently departed'' montage is kind of an Oscars tradition, but what kind of corny, overkill artistic direction choice to have Bette Midler sing ''The Wind Beneath My Wings'' right after? I have nothing against the song in itself, but Jesus, anything more inspired than the utmost obvious tribute song would've been welcomed. If they wanted to parody the Oscars, they couldn't have picked a better set up.

• Michael B. Jordan was there to present an award last night. If the kid plays his cards right, he will be there to receive several Oscars in the following years. I consider him to be the male pendant to Jennifer Lawrence as far as the new generation goes. He is one step above everybody else.

• So 12 YEARS A SLAVE won best movie. Lupita Nyong'o won best support actress and my Marion-Cotillard-Award-of-the-Night for most unexpectedly inspired acceptance speech. I'm very happy for her. Otherwise, is it OK if I don't care about the movie? Does it make me a racist? I just generally have a hard time with long, moralizing historical dramas about issues I'm already sensitive to. It's not exactly like 12 YEARS A SLAVE sheds new light on slavery in America. The battle over slavery was won, but racism still exists today. 

• THE WOLF OF WALL STREET didn't win anything and I found that mildly comforting.